Brené Brown in the video "Boundaries" says that one of the most shocking findings of her work was the idea that the most compassionate people she interviewed over the last 13 years have their boundaries. The boundary is simply what's okay and what's not okay. When we don't set boundaries, we let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviors that are not okay, then we're just resentful and hateful. Then she says that she thought she was rather loving and generous and very straightforward with what's okay and what's not okay. But she learned from the research that she was the exact opposite and for the first 35 years of her life, she assumed that people were sucking on purpose just to piss her off. She realized she was always critical and judgy. She wondered why were they choosing the things they chose and they should know better. When this thing came up for her therapist she realized what if people are doing the best they can. She says that her husband had the most beautiful answer to that question. He said "I'll never know whether people are doing the best they can or not. But when I assume people are, it makes my life better." So, Brene says "now I am not as sweet as I used to be but I'm far more loving." To assume the best about people is almost an inherently selfish act because the life you change first is your own. So, the question is what boundaries need to be in place for us to stay in our integrity and make the most generous assumptions about someone. But generosity can't exist without boundaries and we are not comfortable setting boundaries because we care more about what people will think and we don't want to disappoint anyone and we want everyone to like us. Boundaries are not easy but they're the key to self-love and treating others with loving-kindness.
Then she says that compassion and empathy are different things. Compassion is a deeply held belief that we're inextricably connected to each other by something rooted in love and goodness. Empathy is the skill set to bring compassion alive. So, empathy is something we can teach. There's a lot of new and interesting information out there about empathy not being a good thing, there's an argument that says if someone is in struggle and you practice empathy with them, you are taking on their darkness and it leads to burnout. But empathy is not feeling for somebody, it's feeling with them. Empathy is infinite, it gives back tenfold of what you put out. Empathy minus boundaries is not empathy, compassion minus boundaries is not genuine, vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability. So, boundaries are freaking important and boundaries are not division, they are respected because you are laying down here's what's okay for me and here's what's not.
